Who it is for
Is this the right step for you?
✓ This assessment is for you if you are
- ✓ A parent, spouse or family member supporting someone who is struggling
- ✓ Wondering where support ends and enabling begins
- ✓ Tired, and unsure whether that is reasonable
- ✓ Thinking about changing something, but not sure what
! Not the right step right now if
- ! Someone is in immediate danger
- ! There is a medical or psychiatric emergency unfolding
- ! There is violence, or a threat of violence, in the home
In a crisis, call 911, or call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
The assessment can wait. Safety cannot.
The assessment
18 questions, about five minutes
Think back over the last three months. For each one, choose whichever answer fits best. There are no right answers, and nothing here is a judgement of you.
1
In the past three months, has this been true? You have paid a bill or a debt that was their responsibility.
2
In the past three months, has this been true? You have made an excuse for them to an employer, a school or another family member.
3
In the past three months, has this been true? You have changed or cancelled your own plans to manage a situation involving them.
4
In the past three months, has this been true? You have lost sleep worrying about them.
5
In the past three months, has this been true? You have checked their phone, bag, room or messages.
6
In the past three months, has this been true? You have avoided raising a concern because you feared their reaction.
7
In the past three months, has this been true? You have given money while suspecting how it would be used.
8
In the past three months, has this been true? You have cleaned up a mess, practical or otherwise, that they created.
9
In the past three months, has this been true? You have taken on a responsibility that used to be theirs.
10
In the past three months, has this been true? You have kept the situation from other people close to you.
11
In the past three months, has this been true? You have found yourself negotiating a limit you had already set.
12
In the past three months, has this been true? You have felt relief only when you knew exactly where they were.
13
In the past three months, has this been true? You have argued with another family member about how to handle it.
14
In the past three months, has this been true? You have set a limit and then not held it.
15
In the past three months, has this been true? You have felt that things stay calm only while you manage them.
16
In the past three months, has this been true? You have put your own health, appointments or plans to one side.
17
In the past three months, has this been true? You have felt resentful, and then felt guilty for feeling resentful.
18
In the past three months, has this been true? You have wondered whether the help you give is making things worse.
Common questions
Frequently asked questions
Is this assessment really confidential?
Yes. Your answers are stored in your own browser on your own device. They are not sent to me, and I cannot see them unless you choose to share them.
How is my result calculated?
Each answer is worth a simple number: never is 0, rarely is 1, often is 2, and frequently is 3. Those numbers are added up across the 18 questions, giving a total between 0 and 54, which falls into one of four ranges. It is a straightforward frequency count of things you told me, not a clinical or diagnostic measure, and there is no validated research instrument behind it.
Does a high result mean I have done something wrong?
No. Almost everything on this list is something a loving person does for someone they are worried about. A high total usually means you have been holding a great deal on your own for a long time. It is a description of your situation, not a judgement of you.
What happens after I get my result?
Nothing automatic. You will see your result and some suggestions on the page. You can print it, keep it, or close the page. Whether you contact me is entirely your decision.
Will someone call me after I take it?
Only if you ask. There is no form to complete in order to see your result, and I do not receive your answers.
Is this a diagnosis?
No. This assessment does not diagnose any medical or mental health condition, in you or in anyone else, and it is not a replacement for evaluation by a licensed professional.
Do you work with families outside Los Angeles?
Yes. I am based in Los Angeles and work with families across the United States, travelling where that is the right approach and coordinating remotely where it is not.
Ready to talk?
You do not have to figure this out alone.
Taking this assessment is a good first step. When you are ready, I am here to talk it through.